Many people have shown concern for showing infidelity in Bollywood movies, even though this is increasing in reality at present. In this article, Jaanvi Tourani, a practicing psychotherapist tries to address relationships & explain Gehraiyaan movie in a deeper sense.
Infidelity, let’s not say that it didn’t happen earlier, our parents’ generations & other moral gyaans because the fact is that infidelity did happen back then! In those days, men indulged in it more. Women, on the other hand, simply agreed or taking their consent was ignored or they helplessly accepted it as they had no choice. How do I know? By having many honest conversations with women of all ages. Coming to the latest film and one of the most controversial movies of present times, Gehraiyaan. For starters, I liked the movie; it had many layers to it when looked at without any moral lenses, as life & as humans are. It could have been cut short & a few other shortcomings. I will skip those parts & go straight to explain relationships & Gehraiyaan movie from the psychotherapist perspective.
List of Contents
Your Beliefs Shape Your Reality
Alisha (Deepika Padukone’s character in the film) believed that she is unlucky, felt abandoned as a child, took on responsibilities of her father as a caretaker, felt burdened, not wanting to be STUCK like her mother & harming herself in the process. Her mental health was also affected by inferiority complex, need for acknowledgement & need of a fulfilling relationship which she missed as a child. All of these were seen in every aspect of her life, be it technical glitch during an important presentation to an investor, being the sole bread earner, feeling suffocated in her current relationship & later on in the new one.
If observed closely you could also sense tendency of comparing self with her cousin & her successful boyfriend which worsened her situtation. Her need to experience fresh air, break-free from suffocation led her to a new one. This happens with each one of us, we do every possible thing to change a situation but somehow come to experience the same again. This cycle continues until it’s broken at a subconscious level.
What You Resist Persists!
A thing which we have heard many times by now, I leave this to you to tell me what was it that she resisted being that she became & was experiencing it all the time. Hint: I don’t want to. We all say it. I don’t want, I am not like, I am not going to become/be like that person. There was a wonderful scene when her father says “accept it & move on”.
Our early life experiences shape our adult relationships, especially our romantic & parenting styles. What we missed out on, what we craved for, what we felt was unjust or unfair all gets projected in our romantic relationships. We are either compensating or wanting to receive from our love life. A sense of being incomplete always accompanies leading us to feel lonely, misunderstood & sinking in some kind of darkness. It feels like a lot is there & yet you don’t know what that is. Hint: Dig it to when you felt that 1st & what memories come up?
Part of our money reality also comes from seeing how our parents were with it.
Why do people in a committed relationship have affairs?
This is the most common question. The answer lies in the relationship equation between the couple. Tinder & other dating apps have been my actual research place, for interacting with people & knowing them in terms of strengths, weaknesses, reasons to look out of marriage & fear of calling off the relationship/marriage. One of the prime reasons that leads to Infidelity is the feeling of unloved, unheard, lost & unmet needs. Many times unspoken little things turn into regrets & become huge as if the problem is big & unsolvable. It’s unsolvable because the core is elsewhere, the issue at hand is something else.
One of the major aspects of infidelity is attachment style or say love language. Alisha in Geharaiyaan movie, for example, needed to feel loved, assured & included for feeling secure. Karan, her original boyfriend, from what was shown was more of an independent individual. It’s a good mismatch!
How to know you are in a Toxic Relationship?
Toxic relationships have many aspects to them, it has a shadow side that no one wants to address, and I will be doing it here while I also share how to catch those red flags.
#1 If you find a person repeatedly saying “I will change or I have changed for you.” Please know it’s either an excuse or will later turn into an accusation “I have done so much for you, what you have done for me?”
#2 Projecting Insecurities: When you find them constantly projecting their insecurities, fear & weaknesses on you. In other words “you aren’t capable”, “you are suspecting me”, “you aren’t like that person”. Leave, comparisons will never stop, dissatisfied people from within will always have reasons to be unsatisfied & you will be the cause of it even when you aren’t.
#3 The pull & push syndrome. You feel connected & then disconnected. There is love in the relation yet you can’t feel it completely. You are anxious, want assurance & all you get is distance. This is known as avoidant-anxious relationship. Where there is a constant pull & push chemistry & nothing concrete.
#4 Big one – How is your partner’s relationship with his/her parents & what have they learnt from them. Look into who are they close to (mother or father) & see the similarities. It will tell you 90% on how you will be treated & how your relationship will shape. Pay close attention to thoughts & patterns.
#5 Gaslighting – You are manipulated to believe what you feel, perceive is all wrong. When someone is constantly making you question your choices, decisions & judgments take many steps back, throw away the love tinted glasses & see-through as a 3rd person. Save yourself before it’s too late as rebuilding self-confidence & self-belief takes years. RUN! Or DUMP! Read more about Gas Lighting here
Now to Something Many Don’t Talk About
You could also be the toxic one in the relationship. It’s a bitter truth, it’s still the truth. Stop reading all those love quotes on relationships & try to fit your situation in it. Nah! Not all fit you & neither they have to. Self-awareness is the key here, look at the above points; are you in that kind of relationship? It’s ok, even if you are just be kind to yourself & find ways to change yourself one step at a time.
It’s nice to relate to movies & quotes. Knowing oneself, what resonates, how much it resonates, what’s the difference, how am I different & yet the same matters. There is nothing black or white, it keeps moving from black to white & you see many different shades of it in your life.
Many movies portray multiple layers of human emotions & what shapes the character’s actions. Such movies become controversial as the masses see the literal actions of the characters. These films don’t spoon-feed the audience but make you look at the character as a whole individual with their past, insecurities, driving force, desires & emotions. Some of the series which I personally loved watching are Bombay begum & crazy ex-girlfriend on Netflix & Modern Love on prime. Read Bollywood Films Made Us Value Other Relations More Than Romance
About the Author
Jaanvi Tourani, holistic psychotherapist. Masters in counseling psychology, certified clinical hypnotherapy, former access consciousness facilitator, Arts-based therapy practitioner, EFT practitioner & many other alternate therapy practitioner.
I have seen the dark & light sides of life & relationships, one thing I know we as an individual have many layers & each layer exposes our strengths, weaknesses, fears & opportunities. It’s by combining all the modalities & knowing which one will benefit the most to bring out the desired outcome with ease as always been my intention. This could also be because I like being a lazy therapist at times.
Website: jaanvitourani.com Contact: 9769918939