Healthy & Well, Parenting & Relationships

Reading Between the Lines of Happy & UnHappy Marriage!

A few days back I and my husband were driving to someplace with radio switched on. At one point, the RJ said in a very convincing tone, “When is the last time you visited your parents and hugged them?” He continued a little more after which a popular chartbuster number followed. At this point, sudden reflux of revolting thoughts compelled me to question, “Everybody talks about loving parents but what about the person whom one is married to? Nobody talks about why marriages fail. Discussions about marriage have probably been restricted to fun WhatsApp forwards!”

I am sure there would be at least some of you who would agree with me on this. There are times when these jokes become a little too overwhelming to bear. It seems that putting up jokes about the husband-wife relationship is one of the easiest subjects for such forwards and of course for the standup comedians. However, I haven’t heard many people discuss this on a constructive poignant note. It is not that I am against loving parents or caring for your first family. But post-marriage one gets into a voluntary relationship (mostly so) that is again supposed to last for a lifetime.  

Quite the opposite left, right & centre, we see divorces happening. The couple that seemed to give marriage goals once, drifting apart. The memories and happiness of the wedding day and all that woven around the life post that fading away like a cloud of dust. Still, nobody wants to talk about marriage. I feel we as a society have shelved discussing this relationship of our lives with minimum priority. Top priorities shuffling between work, parenting, existing and self mostly.

Let's discuss why marriages fail?
Let’s discuss why marriages fail?

Being together with a person for an entire life, is this the only purpose of marriage? Well, this time span is another societal/cultural cliché that has been transferred dutifully from one generation to another. This is same in all religions. Apart from this, since childhood, we are programmed to fit in societal norms. Obviously, these norms are important. Humans living in the same manner as other animals wouldn’t look ‘decent’ as per the superior intelligence that we are gifted with. So as a part of the fitting in process, one has to find a ‘right’ partner.

For the same, from our early years of growing up, the various ideas and signs are told to us. To add to these cues we also gather some bit from everything we see and perceive around us. So the definition of Love varies from individual to individual.

Generally, people choose their Mr Right or Ms. Right in two ways. One is going by what mind says and other listens to the heart. The mindful decisions mostly turn out to what we call ‘Arrange Marriages. This big decision of life is taken basis numerous factors like security, status, family pressure etc. While the marriage decisions take by heart turn out to be ‘Love Marriages’.

Disturbance can happen in both Love and Arranged Marriages: Why marriages fail?
Disturbance can happen in both Love and Arranged Marriages: Why marriages fail?

Disturbance in paradise can happen in both cases. We falter sometimes when we take sexual attraction and matching of wavelengths to be one. But, it is not true, they are two different concepts. The main reason for unhappiness in marriage is ‘Expectations’. It is a vicious circle; expectation, leads to discontentment which gives way for unhappiness.

So did you think marrying someone would give you happiness? Like really?? Well, it’s okay even if you think so cause most of us do it in this same fashion. On the contrary, marriage is an opportunity to realize the new life stage we begin with saying ‘I do’! It also gives us multiple chances to understand ourselves better. How we react in a particular situation? The beliefs that we stand for and more can be better understood on an individual level.

Basically marriage is that crossover which helps us shape as an individual independently. The best person without a doubt with whom this exercise of self-awareness can be done is our life partner. The best-case scenario here would be if both are together walking parallelly on this path enlightenment. Hence, the key here is having a balance in life and relationship. Misbalance is also highly probable.  The mission of self-discovery shouldn’t overshadow the commitment unless one cannot breathe further in it.

Considering the spouse as God or superior to self is incorrect. Being happy together happens when the couple become partners sailing together in life’s ship.

Unhappiness in married life can take a toll on you:  Why marriages fail?
Unhappiness in married life can take a toll on you: Why marriages fail?

Some of the established reasons for unhappy married life:

  • Infidelity
  • Substance abuse
  • Physical and mental abuse of the partner
  • The indifference of one partner
  • Deteriorating physical intimacy
  • Anger Issues of any or both the partners
  • Control savvy individuals
  • Parenting

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Choosing to be happy and loving is important:  Why marriages fail?
Choosing to be happy and loving is important: Why marriages fail?

Living in an unhappy marriage as the experts say is sickening on physical, mental & emotional levels. Choosing to make life happy, continue to live in the same unhappy state or moving on is totally an individual’s decision. Loving self and your spouse is what’s needed to start with. But the foremost key to a happy married life remains to be mindful about marriage!

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(27) Comments

  1. Cindy says:

    I think unhappy marriages are mostly because women have evolved, have started standing up for ourselves, some of us do not care about useless traditions and some have a lot of ego (when both sides ego clashes then it’s a disaster waiting to happen).

  2. Dr. Surbhi Prapanna says:

    very well written article..and as per my opinion, marriage is a beautiful relationship and beginning of new stage in life but having a successful and happy marriage requires some factors like mutual understanding, trust on each other and give an enough personal space to your spouse..when all these factors work in a balance a happy marriage succeed.

  3. The biggest ingredient for a stable marriage is patience, is what i feel. That is something a lot of us are lacking these days. Yes, unhappy marriages break one down and are very damaging.

  4. Richa Sharma says:

    I think in every relationship we have ups and downs. Nowadays people don’t want to listen to each other, point of view and that is the main problem of failing any relationships. Very nice article dear. Love to read such articles in future as well.

    1. Thanks for your appreciating words.

  5. A post worth discussing. We generally don’t talk about marriage and it’s issues unless things get out of hand. I liked the way you have addressed this complicated matter.

  6. Love the way you targeted a topic that makes most people uncomfortable. I am sure this will help many couple out there who are going through a tough time.

  7. Judy, a well crafted post that speaks on both aspects of marriage. Yes we tend to forget the reason se are binded together, certain reminders are important in marriages too

  8. Seriously, why don’t we ask these questions? Many seemingly happy couples are in bad marriages for different reasons. So much could be saved if people talked about them.

  9. Loved the post Judy. While raising children and other things in life, the relationship between spouse do have impact. Your post reminded me of a book I read several years ago, The Wedding. Even I had penned similar emotions last year.

  10. Neha Sharma says:

    Brilliant post, Judy. Even I fail to understand why not many people are open to talking about relationships and marriage. If I talk about myself I fear that people might not like it if I talk about about my happy married life or it may make others sad if they are going through a rough phase, that’s the reason I stay away from writing about relationships. But I agree with you, for a happy marriage one has to be mindful about it.

  11. Zahra says:

    Well said. This is an underlined subject. Many say that its not wise to interfere between a couple – if things go wrong now it will be alright later. But the fact is, these couples need help. Digitally a person may seem very strong and upfront but the real person might be broken and the dilemma of how to convince and get convinced just makes the things take another turn around the mountain.

    1. Very true

  12. Marriage is all about equality. I loved the point you mentioned about not to consider husband as God. There is no one superior in marriage. More you divide the roles equally, more happy you will be.

  13. Agree Living in an unhappy marriage is emotional stress. Like you said balance is the key for the survival of marriage. These tips help a lot for making better relationship with spouse

  14. Anita says:

    Mindful marriage is such a lovely word.Relationships I believe need to be nurtured.Its not easy and definitely not to be taken for granted.Its important to avoid highlighting only the negatives in comedy shows.But people are you know how!

    1. I so agree with you on this..

  15. Kavita says:

    “Being happy together happens when the couple become partners sailing together in life’s ship.” I couldn’t agree more on this. Love reading this piece of writing, relationships are constantly work in a progress kind of a situation.

    1. And like any other relationshhip this too should be on ones priority list.

  16. You are right when you said that expectations lead to disappointments, but in my opinion it’s not wrong to have expectations with the one person to whom you have dedicated your life. And then there’s that commitment as well. I think, instead not having any expectations, fine tuning them is a better choice. Enjoyed reading your take on marriage. It made me think.

    1. I agree.

  17. I agree Judy marriage is about evolving in a new phase of life as equals and this relationship should be talked about with a little ore dignity

  18. I have always felt that communication is the key to any relationship. This was an interesting read and the points you have mentioned for unhappy marriages can break any relation

  19. Finding the comfort level in a marriage is very important i think. Unless you can find that with your spouse it becomes a difficult task! Speaking your mind and discussing issues help at times.

  20. Happy marriages depends on both partners commitment towards each other. To make it work throughout the life each has to dedicate and devote time to nurture it for smooth functioning.

  21. I can totally relate to this as I have seen my parents getting separated. I believe that both partners as well as families need to understand each other.

  22. It’s so important to know the reasons I feel communication is one the biggest reason and I am glad you have written about this !!

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