A few days back I and my husband were driving to someplace with radio switched on. At one point, the RJ said in a very convincing tone, “When is the last time you visited your parents and hugged them?” He continued a little more after which a popular chartbuster number followed. At this point, sudden reflux of revolting thoughts compelled me to question, “Everybody talks about loving parents but what about the person whom one is married to? Nobody talks about why marriages fail. Discussions about marriage have probably been restricted to fun WhatsApp forwards!”
I am sure there would be at least some of you who would agree with me on this. There are times when these jokes become a little too overwhelming to bear. It seems that putting up jokes about the husband-wife relationship is one of the easiest subjects for such forwards and of course for the standup comedians. However, I haven’t heard many people discuss this on a constructive poignant note. It is not that I am against loving parents or caring for your first family. But post-marriage one gets into a voluntary relationship (mostly so) that is again supposed to last for a lifetime.
Quite the opposite left, right & centre, we see divorces happening. The couple that seemed to give marriage goals once, drifting apart. The memories and happiness of the wedding day and all that woven around the life post that fading away like a cloud of dust. Still, nobody wants to talk about marriage. I feel we as a society have shelved discussing this relationship of our lives with minimum priority. Top priorities shuffling between work, parenting, existing and self mostly.
Being together with a person for an entire life, is this the only purpose of marriage? Well, this time span is another societal/cultural cliché that has been transferred dutifully from one generation to another. This is same in all religions. Apart from this, since childhood, we are programmed to fit in societal norms. Obviously, these norms are important. Humans living in the same manner as other animals wouldn’t look ‘decent’ as per the superior intelligence that we are gifted with. So as a part of the fitting in process, one has to find a ‘right’ partner.
For the same, from our early years of growing up, the various ideas and signs are told to us. To add to these cues we also gather some bit from everything we see and perceive around us. So the definition of Love varies from individual to individual.
Generally, people choose their Mr Right or Ms. Right in two ways. One is going by what mind says and other listens to the heart. The mindful decisions mostly turn out to what we call ‘Arrange Marriages. This big decision of life is taken basis numerous factors like security, status, family pressure etc. While the marriage decisions take by heart turn out to be ‘Love Marriages’.
Disturbance in paradise can happen in both cases. We falter sometimes when we take sexual attraction and matching of wavelengths to be one. But, it is not true, they are two different concepts. The main reason for unhappiness in marriage is ‘Expectations’. It is a vicious circle; expectation, leads to discontentment which gives way for unhappiness.
So did you think marrying someone would give you happiness? Like really?? Well, it’s okay even if you think so cause most of us do it in this same fashion. On the contrary, marriage is an opportunity to realize the new life stage we begin with saying ‘I do’! It also gives us multiple chances to understand ourselves better. How we react in a particular situation? The beliefs that we stand for and more can be better understood on an individual level.
Basically marriage is that crossover which helps us shape as an individual independently. The best person without a doubt with whom this exercise of self-awareness can be done is our life partner. The best-case scenario here would be if both are together walking parallelly on this path enlightenment. Hence, the key here is having a balance in life and relationship. Misbalance is also highly probable. The mission of self-discovery shouldn’t overshadow the commitment unless one cannot breathe further in it.
Considering the spouse as God or superior to self is incorrect. Being happy together happens when the couple become partners sailing together in life’s ship.
Some of the established reasons for unhappy married life:
- Substance abuse
- Physical and mental abuse of the partner
- The indifference of one partner
- Deteriorating physical intimacy
- Anger Issues of any or both the partners
- Control savvy individuals
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Living in an unhappy marriage as the experts say is sickening on physical, mental & emotional levels. Choosing to make life happy, continue to live in the same unhappy state or moving on is totally an individual’s decision. Loving self and your spouse is what’s needed to start with. But the foremost key to a happy married life remains to be mindful about marriage!
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